An Agony in Eight Fits
by Grav
Summary: A description, with infinite humour, of the impossible voyage of an improbable crew to find an inconceivable creature.


**AN**: sfa_history battle prompt _Helen Magnus, James Watson, John Druitt, Nigel Griffin, Nikola Tesla. The Hunting of the Snark_. I abandoned dates completely in this one. The poem was written in 1874 and the story takes place 12 (ish) years later. Just let me have this one, okay? I can't do rhyme and historical consistency at the same time.

**Spoilers**: HA! That's funny.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own, nor profit from Sanctuary. Or Lewis Carroll.

**Rating**: Teen, for abuse of the English Language and some terrifically unfunny quatrains.

**Characters**: The Five, Lewis Carroll

**Summary**: A description, with infinite humour, of the impossible voyage of an improbable crew to find an inconceivable creature. (Well, maybe not so much "infinite humour".)

* * *

**An Agony In Eight Fits**

_Fit the First_ - In which Lewis is late for dinner

It was wildly uncommon for callers to ring  
At the bell after dinner was served.  
Yet when over the soup course the chiming did sing  
Helen had to give points for his nerve.

"There was some great delay," with his hat fairly clutched  
To the death in his hands "So I'm late."  
"Well I have to admit it's a little bit much,"  
Helen said, but sent down for a plate.

"You said there's a tale," oncely safe in his chair,  
"That you thought I might put to the pen."  
"Indeed," rumbled John, as a note to beware  
"We're just not agreed where to begin."

_Fit the Second_ - In which there are several perceived indignities

"It began well enough," one called Nikola said.  
"And I cannot be blamed for the rest."  
It was clearly a matter gone straight to his head  
And needed get off of his chest.

"You cannot maintain that you weren't to blame  
For the mess that so promptly transpired  
When you said you could see what I will not here name,"  
James decried, soft blush staining his ire.

"I merely observe," Tesla said, "that's my strength."  
But the wind had gone out of his sails.  
"I think," interjected the writer at length  
"I may need more coherent details."

_Fit the Third_ - In which there is a bit more coherency

"We had gone on a hunt for a creature most rare,  
And pursued it well into the night."  
John paused for a moment to tie back his hair,  
"When we caught it, we found it afright."

"As you would, if pursued, across hill and dale  
By five others to you quite unknown."  
Helen said "But we got it, from snout back to tail,  
And prepared for its transport back home."

"And all was quite well," James said with a frown,  
"Until, in the pause, we took note,  
And realized we were, in fact, quite one man down  
And that Nigel was out of the boat."

_Fit the Fourth_ - In which Nigel doesn't drown

"As we've mentioned before," Helen said at this pass  
"It was dark and most hard up for sight.  
And we thought, though he might wash up on the morass  
He would still be in some dreadful plight."

"Had you lights?" said the writer, a little confused.  
"For with them you could light up the bank."  
"Oh we did," John replied, seeming greatly amused.  
"They were not as much use as you'd think."

Nigel sighed, "If I may, I'll take over this tale  
Since it deals most specific with me.  
And you lot can stop hinting and let truth prevail  
Or whatever you think ought to be."

_Fit the Fifth_ - In which Nigel tells the truth (sort of)

"The creature, it seems, has a power most fraught  
With potential to ease its evasion.  
For whenever it's cornered it feels that it ought  
Take you firmly out of the equation.

"So it made me invisible, clear to the eye,  
Which is not all inherently bad,  
Unless one should find oneself dumped in the Thames,  
Which, on this occasion, I had.

"As I lay quite insensible, happy to float  
In the water that I couldn't breathe  
It was brought to attention to those in the boat:  
One detail that caused Watson to seethe."

_Fit the Sixth_ - In which there is an aside

From here on, I should note, if a warning's allowed,  
That the writer was quite overcome  
But he wasn't the sort to be easily cowed  
And he knew there was work to be done.

So he let them continue to banter and bait  
Knowing full well that something was hid  
In hope to receive 'fore an hour too late  
Some measure of quo pro or quid.

He never was sure why he had called on this house  
Having hints of the madness therein  
But the story called on him like cheese to a mouse  
And, that, he was determined to win.

_Fit the Seventh_ - In which Nikola tries to defend himself

"I never thought any of you should find out,"  
He said, the din cut by his voice.  
"And whatever reason James feels cause to pout,  
It's not like I had much of a choice.

"It was dark, as we've said, and the water was black,  
But I chanced to see a faint glimmer  
So I dived in at once, and without looking back,  
For I know I'm a pretty good swimmer.

"Then I grabbed on and hauled him straight back on to land  
And we sat down to wait for the others  
At which point I realized I'd quite showed my hand  
Which is not as I like, given druthers."

_Fit the Eighth_ - In which everyone gives up

"So you saw him," said Lewis, "And quite saved his hide,  
And that is the cause of your trauma?"  
"More or less," Helen said, "Though there's something besides  
That I'm quite sure is not fit for drama."

"Well it's not as complete and I'd hoped it would be,  
But there is the beginnings of story.  
And if you are happy to leave it with me,  
I'll create some anonymous glory."

And he did, changing names and adding some more  
And completely ignoring the weather.  
Until he decided it just couldn't work  
And wrote something else altogether.

* * *

**fin**

**Notes**: So just as I was falling asleep last night, a plot bunny that shadadukal suggested (wherein Nikola can see Nigel when he's invisible, on account of his Vampire Abilities), decided it would like to be written. It just didn't know how. I went to the prompt table and picked the only prompt with the Five that would kind of work. Then I went and read "The Hunting of the Snark", which is deliciously nonsensical. For about ten seconds, I contemplated writing it as though Helen and others actually went on the voyage. Then I gave up, and decided to write poem instead.

Anyway, the basic idea is this: Lewis comes over for dinner and they tell him of how they all went hunting for a creature. Nigel was invisible in order to track it, but they lie to Lewis and tell him it was the creature itself. Lewis is not a moron, so he knows there's something they're not telling him. In revenge, Lewis writes "The Hunting of the Snark" about something else altogether, keeping only the detail where the Snark can make you disappear when you find it. Or something. Mostly, it just seemed like a good idea at the time.

They also leave out the part where Nigel was naked, and that in Nikola being able to rescue him, their realization that Nikola can see him (naked) whilst invisible. They're still arguing over whether that's relevant when Lewis arrives.

In closing, if I ever try to do this again, please kill me.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go lie down until the urge to hit my head against the wall subsides.

Gravity_Not_Included, March 16, 2011**  
**


End file.
